By Marsha Clarke

For those of you not smart enough to have escaped to the rainforest right after MLK Day you’re making plans to either celebrate Valentine’s Day or turning your living room into an anti-love bomb shelter.  In any event, I would like to offer some suggestions for everyone.

Relationship (according to the Clarke-tionary): A relationship is when two people (or more) kidnap each other forcing them to ignore their friends and family for six months or longer, only to then start inviting those same friends and family members to join them everywhere.

Ask your valentine what he or she wants for Valentine’s Day.  If their response is anywhere along the lines of “I don’t care honey, get me anything” or “babe you are my valentines gift”, beware! This person will take you and your dog to the cleaners come divorce time.  Instead of listing to this summation of lies get your valentine a gift for their father, even if they never meet before.  Just PO Box it to the North Pole or the Mayor’s office.

Luckyyy! Valentine’s Day and Shabbat are on the same day this year.  Look, its dinner with loved ones.  If your valentine doesn’t find this pleasing then you have to know this is a person lacking soul and cultural enlightenment.  Do you really want kid’s with that mind-set?

Team work! Prank call each other’s exes in the voices of Elvis and Tupac to alert them that they have been randomly selected to receive free car freshener insurance.  Believe me when I say this exercise is better than a trust fall.

For those of us who use the quote “There’s always next year” not in reference to the
New York Knicks, here it goes.

No Relationship: Well… that’s when you have nobody to share this holiday with, or any holiday for that matter.

Don’t call anybody!

Don’t see anybody!

Please! Whatever you do don’t leave the house.

Go grocery shopping on Thursday and leave work early on Friday to avoid the bull shit rose parade.

Listen to “It must be him”- Vikki Carr and “I who have nothing” – Shirley Bassey. Learn the song and sing it aloud in the same angry voice that you would use to tell your mother that it’s not your fault that no one loves you.

Reflect on the fact that you don’t have to share Oreos or a Z-Pack.

Happy Valentine’s Day New York.